He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
