I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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