Already got asked if we're dating
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
