So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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