I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
