you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I can't put those talents on a resume
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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