i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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