Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
