Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
