So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
