took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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