: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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