if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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