watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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