So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
