i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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