i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize