Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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