Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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