Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Randomize
