2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Is Oprah even human
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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