I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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