I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
