I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
