Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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