I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
