no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
