i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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