guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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