there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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