i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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