If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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