I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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