At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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