Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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