so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
