I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
