We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
