Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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