My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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