she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
