I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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