Even the bartender felt bad for me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
ttyl tear gas
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
