I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
