I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
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Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
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How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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