I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
