Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
