I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
