Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
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