I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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