you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I need to align my fucking chakras
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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