It's Friday. Sex?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
